My Adventures in World of Warcraft, or How To Use A Meat Shield

Ah, the MMORPG, the Massively Multiplayer Online Roleplaying Game. They have become a household concept, even for the non-gamer. Anyone who has access to the interwebs has heard of World of Warcraft and its legion of over 12 million players. Even homemaker websites geared toward soccer moms and housewives have ads spashed all over them about the wonderful World of Warcraft (which I'll refer to henceforth as just "WoW").

There's more than just WoW. There's literally hundreds of MMORPGs. I won't list any here because well, you're on a computer right now. Look it up yourself. It's called "Google," sheesh!

Each major online game has its own community full of elitists; people who think they are superior because their online game is THE BEST and they are among THE BEST *in* that game. People who play other online games are just facerolling, knuckle dragging parameciums who, because they also think their own game is the best, are generally considered to be assholes by everyone else. (Yes, it is okay to note the circular logic and parallels to religion here).

*Facerolling is a derrogatory term used to describe the playing tactics of another player; one who is so bad that it can only be rationalized by imagining that the player uses his or her forehead to hit the buttons on the keyboard.

My own personal Journey has left me in a peculiar place. My very first MMO was Final Fantasy XI, where I played a cute little Tarutaru for 5+ years. In this game, everyone thought WoW was the ultimate evil.

I had to retire my beloved Tarutaru because Final Fantasy was becoming too time consuming.

 Not in the sense that I became addicted and all my time was going into it, but in the sense that I didn't have the patience nor the time required to accomplish anything at the point in the game I had reached.

I experimented with a few other online games, none of which held any lasting interest for me. They lacked the appeal that Final Fantasy once held.

I was urged by a few friends to try out WoW. My mind reeled at the thought. WoW was for facerolling elitist parameciums!

"But it will be fun," they said.

I decided I wasn't really a turncoat if I only tried out the 10 day trial. After all, one must infiltrate and assess the enemy before making an attack.

Then, I became the enemy.

Six months later, I have a level 60 gnome rogue on Alliance side, and at the behest of my super awesomest friend, have started a character on the Horde side; a Blood Elf rogue. Sexy. Pigtails too. Double sexy.

Now that I've admitted to being a turncoat, I will also admit that while there are a lot of facerolling parameciums in WoW, there's also a lot of cool people. But still, my main purpose for playing is to have fun with my friend. He plays a Blood Elf too, by the way.

Male Blood Elves are the metrosexuals of the gaming world. They are so vain that they make teenage girls look oblivious to their self image. They also have an evil streak a mile wide. This is exactly why a Blood Elf was the perfect choice for my dear friend. That and, they've managed to bring back the scrunchie. Yes, you heard me, the scrunchie. As he's explained it to me, "He's more woman than your average woman, and more manly than you'll ever hope to be."

Now, his Blood Elf is a level 85 Paladin...the knight in shining armor type...the...evil...knight in shining armor. This is great for someone like myself whose character is only a level 40s Rogue. While I'm quite capable of making things bleed profusely by sticking them with the pointy ends of my daggers (I'm really good at that), I'm a bit lacking in the erm...sturdiness department. Rogues were never really cut out to handle a good mauling.

This is where my evil Paladin friend comes in. I quickly stab angry monsters to death while they're distracted trying to beat up a guy that can handle the onslaught like a trooper. I guess you could say he's my meat shield.

Personally, I think he gets off on it. Kinky bastard. I mean, who volunteers to be the meat shield? The kind that enjoys a good beating...as long as you don't mess up his hair or get blood on his armor in the process.

Now, back to those paramecium types. Sometimes they take great joy in picking on people of lower level on the opposing "side" (remember, Alliance vs. Horde). There has been at least one occasion where I was in stealth mode, hiding in a dark corner in hopes of leaving my character unattended so I could go tinkle in the little girls room, and the evil interlopers found my hiding spot and attempted to have me killed.

So, that's when I send a little message to my friend. Within 3 minutes, he's there, slaughtering the transgressors with extreme prejudice, teabagging their corpses, and waiting for them to spawn back to life so he can slaughter and teabag them again. Rinse, repeat. Now that's what I call having a "homie's" back.

Lesson: Never mess with a girl gamer who's weaker than you...especially when she has to pee. She just might be best friends with the most evil level 85 Blood Elf Paladin on the server. If you do mess with her, You will get pwned. Then teabagged. Then pwned again. Here endeth the lesson.