Snoring

I've never been able to tolerate a snorer.  Even the lightest snores will keep me awake in a state of edginess, ready to assault my victim should their snores escalate and exceed my toleration barrier.  You know the wet snore - it's the one that sounds like the snorer is gargling on the contents of their own sinuses.

I am married to a snorer.  We've tried everything from nose strips for him, ear plugs for me, even to the extreme of a c-pap machine.  The c-pap came with its own set of problems.  I have a pathological fear of hospital masks.  Anything that looks like it belongs in an ICU room will quickly turn me into a scared crying little girl. 

Well, the c-pap was poorly tolerated by my manperson. At bedtime he felt as though he were locked in eternal battle with a leaf blower, so he ditched the c-pap after a few weeks.

He's back to snoring and I'm back to daydreaming about getting a voodoo doll with Manperson's face on it.

He says I snore too, but since he always falls asleep first and I don't have to try to sleep through myself snoring, I see this as a non-issue.  And because I'm a girl, I imagine that my snores are cute and adorable.

For now, I dose myself on small amounts of Klonopin.  Klonopin is great, kids.  I could sleep through an earthquake with just half a milligram of the stuff.  So, a headset connected to my mp3 player plus klonopin prior to bedtime has, for the most part, resolved my issues with the lumberjack next to me in bed.

My intolerance for snoring goes way back.  Even as a little tike, strange noises coming out of sleeping people was an assault to my senses. 

My best friend in the world, bless her heart, was a wet snorer.  Not a loud obnoxious snorer, but the type that always sounded like she was suffering from sinus problems, as I'm sure she was.  Nowadays I wouldn't hold this against her, but little kids don't know any better.

One night during a sleep over, my mother had announced "Lights Out" and before I had a chance to beat her to dreamland, her snores drifted out from her end of the bed.  Her sinuses must have been giving her hell, but I still needed to sleep.

Kids are extremely inventive. After an hour of nudging with no result, I set about inventing a contraption to stop my friend's snoring once and for all - for the night at least.

All that was required was a long length of yarn, a toe, and a few bedposts. 
One end was attached to her toe, while  the length of the yarn was wrapped around the bedposts and draped over on the opposite side of the bed where I was laying. 

It was designed in such a way that all I had to do was tug on my end of the yarn and her foot would be lifted off of the bed.  Once I let go, her foot would go crashing back down onto the bed, jarring her just enough to interrupt her snoring for a while. 

I soon learned the essence behind "Pavlov's Dogs."  After enough tugging on the yarn and yanking her leg up off of the bed, I believed that I had somehow trained her subconscious brain to keep the snoring to a minimum by negative reinforcement.  Either that or I just grew so tired that I didn't seem to care enough to pull on the yarn anymore by that point.

Twenty years later, I still use this tactic, only slightly modified, of course.  It would be silly to tie yarn to my manperson's toe.  Besides, we don't have bedposts.  Still, negative reinforcement is a powerful motivator even for actions that are not controlled consciously. 

Anything can be used to deter a snorer as long as the action is jarring enough to get them to change position.  Nudging and saying "roll over" can get boring and monotonous, (not to mention mostly ineffectual) so why not make it a little fun for yourself? After all, they're torturing you and keeping you awake anyway, and payback is fun.

If you have a dog, invite them up on the bed. Pick a random spot on your partner. Apply peanut butter. Enjoy results.

Cat + Laser pointer.  Need I elaborate?

Suddenly go manic and fly into a 4 am cleaning frenzy in the bedroom.  My manperson is an exceptionally sloppy human and any fluctuation in the clutter force will interrupt his sleep.  Make sure you clean with the lights on.

Freeze them out. Take away bed partner's blankets and pillows.  Turn fan on high.  Multiple fans work better.

This technique is the opposite of the freeze-out technique.  Pile all the blankets and pillows you own onto bed partner's side of the bed.  The trapped body heat will make them miserable.  If they wake up, tell them they stole the blankets. 

This may not work for everyone, but it has worked for me.  Feign anger.  Jolt the bed as you angrily grab your pillow and blanket, and announce out loud that you're sleeping on the couch.  Make a lot of noise and grumble as you slowly walk away from the bed.  Manperson usually wakes up feeling slightly guilty and takes extra precaution to cease snoring...at least long enough for me to fall asleep in my own bed.

This is a last resort.  Pop an antihistamine like Benedryl, and initiate sex by any means necessary. Once bed partner is wide awake and feeling quite satisfied with him/her self, the antihistamine will have kicked in, allowing you to fall asleep instantly, before post-coital cuddles even. Leave bed partner awake to deal with your snoring.

Really, the possibilities are endless.  Ice cold feet on the butt is simple but effective.  If your partner is an exceptionally light sleeper (mine is not), stand over their side of the bed, and stare at them, grinning maniacally.  Eventually they will jolt awake from the sense of dread and doom emanating from your vicinity. 

Honestly, the most effective way to avoid being kept awake all night by the snot gurgle snoring is to go to sleep before the snorer does.  Some of us are just night owls though.  Take me for example.  The Manperson won't be home until damn near sunrise because he got called in to fix a diseased server at work.  What am I doing? Posting a blog about snoring.  I amaze myself sometimes.